When I was a kid I had life all figured out. I'd finish grad school in Alabama with a degree in Architecture or Psychology (I couldn't decide between the two), get married, and have my family and career by the time I was thirty. Life looks different on this side of thirty. I have accomplished none of the things on this list.
This June I took a look over the last ten years to find where I got off track. Some things I realized were beyond my control: being paralyzed from a sports injury was not planned, but it didn't necessarily keep me from achieving any of those goals. Some things were steps I took knowing the risk: going into my first job instead of finishing grad school and moving to Texas were decisions that limited my options to achieve my goals. Then there were things I foolishly did to get myself even more off-track: accumulating debt and ignoring great opportunities and relationships.
It all got pretty depressing. I asked myself and God why I got stuck, why I hadn't seen things come together I had risked so much for, and what I needed to do to make it all right. Considering my life up till now, I wondered what it would be like to commit myself to doing something whole-heartedly for the next five years. Five seemed like good, round number; it fits my planner and works as a good benchmark. After consideration, the choice was made: I'll earn my Master's in Education so I can work anywhere in the nation and earn a real salary. The hours and benefits would be great and I'd be working with kids -- something I really enjoy. It made sense vocationally, financially, and spiritually (in a oh, I can really minister to these kids kind of way).
Then a friend recommended John Edlredge's book Journey of Desire. The title scared me: Desire? I know I lack drive and blind ambition. You may find me enthusiastic and creative, but not driven. Desire seemed distant, but I figured I was ready to give it a go. Into the book, I realized I was making big decisions based on the wrong questions. The things I desired -- a job I could enjoy, financial security, and a degree in a field I could always fall back on -- began to pale in light of what the LORD was pressing on my heart. I knew inside the deeper desires in my heart for accomplishment, security, and useful ministry can only be filled on the other side of eternity when I am in God's kingdom.
The questions that emerge are no longer geared toward my own financial security and fulfillment and cleaning up my messes on my own. Any job can never do all of that, only the LORD. As I hold these other things at arm's length He uses opportunities in my life to provide. It is not my job that provides my income, but God who provides; not the kids who affirm my work, but Him who will say "well done"; not my degree that promotes me, but the LORD. He may use these things to provide blessings here and now, but I do not rely on or look to these things to do what only God can do in his time.
2 comments:
Ahh, Perspective!! It's too bad God didn't give us eyes in the back of our heads, huh? This is a beautifully written account of a lesson that I'm sure we will continue to work out until that day that He finally does fulfill all of our desires.
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. WHAT IS MORE, I CONSIDER EVERYTHING A LOSS COMPARED TO THE SURPASSING GREATNESS OF KNOWING CHRIST JESUS MY LORD, FOR WHOSE SAKE I HAVE LOST ALL THINGS. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH, THAT I MAY GAIN CHRIST AND BE FOUND IN HIM, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND AND STRAINING TOWARD WHAT IS AHEAD, I PRESS ON TOWARD THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE FOR WHICH GOD HAS CALLED ME HEAVENWARD IN CHRIST JESUS.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.
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